Spring's Revelations
by nedfan
Summary: What would life have been like if he had chosen to stay with her, now fate can never be changed again? Now Complete
1. Chapter 1

**

* * *

**

**Authors Note: This is the result of a try-out due to a Spring/Easter challenge on another forum. Note: this won't be a happy story. **

The usual disclaimer: the team is not mine but Pebblehut/Pax' . But I do enjoy 'borrowing' them for my personal satisfaction.

* * *

**Spring's Revelations**

* * *

oOo

* * *

It had started so wonderful, sparkling. As if winters' cold covering had retreated finally, the first cautious rays of the sun boldly warmed the barren soil and invited the crocus to raise their soft purple and yellow heads.

It had been as precious as a snow drop in early January, as rare as an edelweiss, only to be plucked after a long journey, over slippery paths, along the edges of looming cliffs, carefully trotting through treacherous passes. Always bearing in mind the result would be worth all the suffering, the sacrifices, the agony.

He realized he had never finished his journey. He had taken the first few steps but to reasons now clear to him he never proceeded. He never had the guts to go on. He never went further up the mountain, never explored new passes, never experiencing the breathtaking panorama of a new blossoming valley at his feet again.

* * *

oOo

* * *

Now he knew he had been a fool not to go on. The journey would have brightened his existence, light up his heart. It would have poised his soul, it would have given him access to unequaled wisdom. 

Every time Nature started blossoming again after the hard preceding months, the gray disconsolateness of the barren trees, all life sheltered shying away from winters' cold breath, every time the sun regained strength, the days started to lengthen. Every time he was reminded of his foolishness.

It was as if all the flowers, birds, beginning leafs were all telling him what he only realized until it was too late. How he, through remaining were he stood and not continue the journey started, lost the chance to get something so pure, rare and genuine. Not to mention downright beautiful.

He had let others get ahead of him, stealing away the precious gift he had wished to have. He not realized he could have had if only he had gone further. Why he shied away, took the decision to halt half-way had always hunted him as a mystery. He labeled it cowardliness, fear of the unknown, the anxiety of loosing the sole reason why he had commenced his journey whenever he took the wrong path, or slipped on the gravel slopes.

Only to discover that he actually lost when his feet weren't moving at all.

* * *

oOo

* * *

It was thrown in his face when the mailman delivered the sealed white envelope with it's distinct gray lining. Once it had presented itself in his mailbox it became clear he never would have the chance to change the course of fate anymore. 

The moment he open the envelope to read the card hidden, his world fell apart. His breath stopped and his mind numbed. The simple words stated in the simple dark shade, the agony it portrayed through it's simple grammar, screamed into his face he had been a fool. A fool to abandon her, to let someone else take her. He laid the card on the table and his head sank into his hands and he wept. Crying tears of loss, of unfulfilled endearment. Tears of realization he had missed his chance to be happy with her.

_

* * *

_

oOo

_

* * *

Never again her smile will warm her surroundings _

_Never again her voice will reach out to touch our mind_

_Never again will we be moved by the beauty of her hands_

_Never again her kindness will fill our hearts_

_Never again_

_--_

_In Loving Memory of Susan Thomas_

* * *

oOo

**

* * *

Note: About the envelope: that's probably a Dutch thing. I don't know how this is in the US, but in the Netherlands notifications of death are always send in a cream-white envelope with fine gray lining. These letters have priority within the Royal Mail: they're easy to recognize and receive special care. **

Whenever one of those envelopes is in your mailbox: you know someone is no longer amongst us.

* * *

oOo

* * *

To Be Continued... 


	2. Chapter 2

**

* * *

**

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. I know this isn't a happy story but I nevertheless enjoy sharing it with you. I hope you like the story, even though it might be sad of nature.

* * *

oOo

* * *

After the initial tears he began reminiscing the times he was with her. He relived the moment he caught a glimpse of her for the first time. It had been brief yet in his mind it had taken forever. The next times he eagerly was anticipating the moment he would see her again, barely managing to bridge the hours in between.

He picked up the card again, rereading the words. He got up and walked over to a cupboard and opened a drawer. He didn't have to search for long. He took out a photo.

There she was: smiling the smile she could enchant everyone with, break through the darkest of moods. Through his tears he smiled, his finger trailed over her picture, only to halt when his finger touched her lips. Gently, almost tenderly he brushed her lips, reliving the feeling of her face.

He closed his eyes and her image appeared before him. Lively, full of energy. His lips curled into a smile and he softly whispered the words he had always wanted to say to her.

_Never again her smile will warm her surroundings_

He was reluctant to open his eyes again, knowing she would be gone the moment his eyelids parted. She was laughing. God, how he loved to hear her laugh. He reached out for her to touch her face, stroke back a strand of her golden hair. His hands never caught the one they desired to touch. She was out of reach, desperately he tried to bridge the distance but she kept moving away. Then she was gone.

He swallowed hard to fight back the urge to scream her name. He opened his eyes again. She wasn't there. Just the card and the photograph. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with emotions again, his breath was faltering, he pressed his eyelids together in a desperate attempt to get a glimpse of her again. In vain.

He stared at her picture once more.

_Never again_

* * *

oOo

* * *

Had she been happy? The words on the card indicated she was sincerely and deeply mourned over. He knew she was loved. After they broke up he had seen her every now and then. He was filled with joy whenever he saw her, but never made the move to go over to her and ask the things he so desperately wanted to ask. 

He did not dare to approach her. He thought that keeping away was the best thing for him to do. She loved the man didn't she? He didn't want to be the one to stand in the way of her pursuit of happiness. She seemed to be loved and respected.

Because that was the thing he wanted the most: to see her be happy. He had thought he was not able to make her as happy as she deserved to be and he decided to step back, as an act of selflessness, to grant her the happiness he doubted he could ever give.

So he kept his distance, never made his presence noted. Through time he had seen her, and every time he was confident he had made the right decision.

* * *

oOo

* * *

Then one day, she was gone. He searched the streets for her, waited to see if she went to her favorite places. But he never saw her again. Only later he heard she had moved out of town, out of his live. But never out his heart. 

He blinked slowly to break through the mesmerism, and he took another gander at the notification.

The envelope which had held the card that washed away his hopes was written with an unmistakable feminine touch. The way the letters where put on the paper, the elegance in it, caught his eye as female.

He stared at the curves and the soft lines that formed the address.


	3. Chapter 3

**

* * *

**

A/N: another post. I hope you like the story even through it's somber nature. Feedback is always welcome.

Writing this story is for me a sort of healing process, slowly coming to terms with the loss of my last remaining, dearly missed uncle who passed away two months ago

* * *

oOo

* * *

Even now, after all this time he still felt the same loss he had felt the moment he had opened the envelope for the first time.

But now there were other feelings running side to side with loss: regret and guilt.

He stared out of the window. He saw the soft-pink and white blossom on the apple trees (_Malis Domestica_). He used to enjoy the scenery painted in front of his eyes, the colors, the sun's rays touching the small blooms. Almost tenderly stroking the tiny leaves, gently revealing it's beauty for everyone who took the time to notice.

He would have spend free hours amongst the trees, the flowers, cutting away the blossom that had withered. He used to marvel over the soft yellow blooms of the _Rhododendron Luteum _(Yellow Azalea) that emerged early April even before it grew leaves.

He used to notice.

But Spring hadn't been the season he enjoyed anymore, not anymore now he knew the truth.

* * *

oOo

* * *

It was after he had finally decided he would attend the mourning service. The address was written on the card. It was not something he had ever thought he would be going to attend. Never ever could he have imagined the lively, warm, kind and beautiful woman Sue was, would be gone.

Never ever could he get used to not hearing her enchanting laugh, now it was replaced by the solemn silence of the polished granite of her tombstone amidst the green grass. He couldn't have imagined that the only physical remembrance of her would only be felt by his fingers when they trailed over the carved out letters that formed the inscription on it.

But he nevertheless had to.

_

* * *

_

oOo

_

* * *

_

_Never again_

Such simple words.

But what a world of grief they held.

* * *

oOo

* * *

It had become clear when he had arrived that day. It was raining. Not a downpour, but a steady fine mist that would slowly soak everyone with every minute that went by. The sky had been disconsolate that day, patches of gray tinted with dark, almost black streaks of other clouds passing by. Nature had wrapped herself up against the steady moisture trailing down from the skies above.

Blooms had timorously retracted into their shells, the crocus were hanging downwards. Almost as if they had surrendered to the somberness of the moment. The absence of birds was as unmistakably resonant as the soft dripping of the water drops that fell from the branches of the surrounding trees.

Temperature had dropped too. The moment the sun's warm rays had vanished it seemed Winter tried to regain a foothold, in an attempt to reign longer, to set back time.

He wouldn't have minded if time had been set back that day.


	4. Chapter 4

**

* * *

**

A/N:The final post. I meant to keep it short. I hope you liked it, please review. And TY for reading. ILY

* * *

oOo

* * *

He felt how he shivered when he thought back of that day.

He had literally forced himself to go, the moment he woke up it dawned him this really was the end. Part of him wanted to lay down and vanish, but he managed to get up and get dressed for the occasion. He knew he had to go, out of respect for her, but moreover to force himself to see what he had abandoned earlier. It was a form of self-chastisement.

Once he had arrived at the church, he was hesitant to step over the threshold and go in. But he did. Once inside he looked for a place in the back.

The moment he stepped in he was aware he was being watched. And not out of sympathy. His eyes trailed down the crowd. He saw her husband.

And his cold hard eyes met his in a hostile, piercing look.

'What is he doing here?', he heard him say. He was perplexed, why shouldn't he be there? She had been special to him too. The black woman standing next to him tried to hush him, in vain.

'Why shouldn't he be? Please Jack don't make matters worse...'

'_I'm _making matter worse?', he said, '_He's_ having quite the nerves to show up here...'

Lucy gently touched Jack's arm. 'Maybe you should talk.'

Jack's eyes burnt into his. He shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. Lucy excused herself and went to meet other people.

* * *

oOo

* * *

Jack approached him. 'You, outside.'

'I don't...'

'You don't what?', he said harshly. 'Oh, I'm not going to throw you out, even though I want to. I know Sue would have wanted you to be here.'

'Yes, I think she would...', he said.

'What makes you think so? You weren't with her, _I_ was. So don't you start saying things in her behalf. You have lost your damn right to do so.' Jack spat the words.

He just stared at him, bewildered. What had earned him this hatred? He had stepped back for her sake didn't he?

'Jack, if you resent my presence here I'll leave...', he said. Jack's eyes lit up with more fury. 'No, you'll stay. See what you left behind, realize what you've done, cause I have a few things for you to chew on when you're gone.'

'What do you mean? I've never done anything to hurt you or her...I never got in your way. What did I do?'

'It's what you _didn't _do...' He looked stunned but then it slowly dawned him.

'Let me tell you something: I loved Sue, I still love her. And she loved me too, but I never was able to reach for her heart. That belonged to someone else.'

He stared in his eyes. 'It belonged to you...

_

* * *

_

oOo

_

* * *

_

_Oh god..._

* * *

oOo

* * *

'Why did you leave her?'

'I... I thought it was the best for her...'

'It _wasn't_. Have you ever realized to what extent you hurt her? Do you? I don't think so. Even though she married me, after a while, all she ever wanted was you. _You_. I could see it in her eyes, when we were together.' He said nothing, knew nothing to say.

'I had to pick up the pieces when you told her you felt it was better if you went separate ways. I tried to comfort her, give her the love she deserved and slowly she recovered.'

Jack looked him right into his eyes. 'Why did you never go to her when you saw her downtown? She wanted you to. Don't think she hadn't noticed you, she had. And every time _I_ was the one who could pick up the pieces when she came home.'

'She couldn't bear it anymore. Goddamn it. That's why she fled. She fled because _you_ were there. Silently, out of reach but still around her. You hurt her, trampled her soul with that.'

'I...didn't know...', he said, solemnly.

'Finally when we left town she became mine. But not totally. There was always the uncertainty whenever we kissed whether she was kissing _me_ and not thinking of _you_! Every touch, every time she said she loved me I knew there was this place in her heart I never could have. Even when we made love I wasn't sure. You have any idea how that feels? It eats you. Just as her unfulfilled desire ate her. And for that I'm shocked, even more because _now_ you show up. Only _now_ you coughed up the goddamn courage to go and see her.'

He sensed Jack was almost done, but waited to say something until he was finished.

'You could have made her happy. More than I ever could have made her. Yet you decided to hurt her. And don't you dare start with 'I was doing what I thought best for her'. Fuck that. That's the most selfish thing to say, trying to be the one we should be sorry for. Making it look like it was merely an act of sacrifice, of selflessness. It _isn't_!'

'The time I spend at her side, when she was in the Hospital, that's where I felt out of place suddenly. It dawned me _you_ were the one she would have liked to see sitting there. Holding her hand as her condition worsened. Wash her face with cold water, pressing kisses of her forehead. Trying to comfort her, kiss away the pain.'

He leaned in a little closer to his face. 'I was married to her, but I never was what she wanted. I was a stranger in my own marriage, an intruder. You have no idea how I felt about that. Let me make this _very_ clear to you: I hated you. I still fucking do. For all the grief you caused me. But moreover because of the grief you caused Sue.' He turned away. 'Thanks for making my life miserable.'

* * *

oOo

* * *

'Jack...'

He turned round, reluctantly.

'I'm so sorry, I...' Jack held up his hand. 'Save it for someone who cares.'

He swallowed. 'For what it's worth...Thanks for inviting me.'

His eyes flamed up. 'I never invited you, you would be the last person I would like to see ever again.'

He looked puzzled. 'Then who did?'

'Thank Lucy for it. She has had the heart to think of you. An act of care _you_ never displayed.'

Jack walked away.

* * *

oOo

* * *

He sat down and buried his head in his hands.

_She had loved him, had wanted him. He had ruined not only his life, but hers too. Especially hers._

_God, please forgive me..._

* * *

oOo

* * *

A tap on his shoulder made him look up, his eyes wet with remorse and regret. Through his tears he saw Lucy smiling softly at him. 'I'm sorry you had to go through that. Especially today. I know Sue had not wanted this, but I can't blame Jack. Please be kind to him. It's hard for him now she's gone. He really loved her. Truly madly deeply.'

'I did too...', it came out, full of remorse. She squeezed his hand. 'I know you did. Whatever your intentions were for letting her go, I believe they were meant to be good.'

He nodded slowly and his eyes wandered off. He looked outside, the fine watery mist was still trailing down from the sky. And in his mind the image stuck. The emotions of regret, remorse and loss that overwhelmed him stuck. Were carved out in his soul.

From now on, every time it was Spring he wouldn't see the beauty of it anymore, but this image of the solemn, disconsolate skies, the soaked soil, the barren trees: all of this would haunt him for all time to come.

Where there used to be color, there was nothing bright anymore. All was painted black. He blinked to see through the tears. In vain.

Lucy gently touched his arm and nodded towards the entrance of the church. Today was the time he was forced to say good bye to the one he had loved, who had loved him, but he never dared to have.

'Come, David. It's time to visit Sue...'

* * *

**FIN**

* * *


End file.
